Soaps

“I want to make love to you”

“Make love to me!”

“But- we just made love!”

“You have to forget we made love last night”

“I’m dying to get naked… and make love”

“Lets make love in the shower”

“Now that we’ve made love…”

“That night… we made love… well, I’m now pregnant”

“I thought I was making love with Jacob!”

“You drugged me… and then you made love to me?”

“Phillip can never know that we made love”

“I want to make love… to a stapler”

So… I when I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about apart from the fact that I was cold, groggy and yearning for tea I could make myself at home, was how strange soap dialogue is.  Soap language makes me giggle in general, but I giggle even more when they talk about sex.  Why is the phrase “made/make love” so overworked in daytime soaps?  Understandably they can’t go around saying ‘fuck’, but what’s wrong with the tried and true “slept together”, or even the ever practical “we had sex”?  Especially when it was clearly, er, a ‘good fuck’ as opposed to ‘making love’. 

Don’t try telling me that they’re coy about sex either- seriously, has anyone ever watched these shows?  They’re full on raunch fests without any graphic material: shirt ripping, bra tossing, crotch rubbing, ridiculously heavy panting productions of midday inappropriateness.  Either that or my perceptions have been completely skewed by the hot British guy who currently resides on Days of our Lives, who seems to be a catalyst for a hilarious amount of other men’s bare chestedness (mmm, a bit of ‘you’ve shown me yours, so I’ll show you mine?, or more likely: ‘mine’s bigger’- I’m talking about the man boobs obviously). 

Somewhat embarrassingly I managed to catch a scene of this guy on Days a couple of months ago, and cursiously got sucked into looking up his plot details online.  Subsequently have been watching his storyline on youtube (some devoted fan has posted every single one of his scenes… shut up, don’t.say.anything- it’s not just because he’s constantly ripping off his shirt, sucking women’s necks and very sexily unbuttoning their shirts- it is unbelievably hot; it’s also because his storyline is strangely compelling).  It’s such a shame the writer’s had to skeeve me out with their stupid psychopathic rape storyline and put the guy almost exclusively in tailored suits (w no shirt ripping) after he was classed as the bad guy instead of merely the hot neighbour.  God damn it, who is now going to be able to say “Let me make love to you” in a hot accent and make me quiver instead of cringe? Grr.  Just redeem him already and bring back the inappropriately heavy panting please.  

Note: I’m bewildered at my reaction to this obvious ‘beefcake’- this is not my style at all, I’m generally not a huge fan of anything that resembles a chiselled soap look, and I honestly I don’t find him particularly attractive.  I am convinced my mesmerised state is due to the combination of hot accent and the slowness with which he pops women’s shirt buttons- (not a euphemism).  I swear he exudes some anti-cheese vibe that fights off the effects of the vaseline lens and terrible dialogue (come on, that’s impressive)…. Or at least he did- the cheese is slowly taking over, and I’ve stopped watching.  Sigh.