Venti, Venti, Venti

Before I start this post: am curious, do I update this blog too often?  What pace is expected here exactly? 

Also, I’m fully aware my grammar and syntax is hardly ever good on this thing, but if it is particularly bad tonight, forgive me- just completed ‘Jeh-sah’, which is a Korean thing where we honour a dead relative (and their spouse) on the anniversary of their death (there’s a whole bunch of rituals, incense, candles, food and um… booze) and I happened to drink too much blackberry wine (I don’t know why, it was way too sweet).

 Anyway, to the post: 

Occasionally I venture into a Starbucks, usually for a seat and some alone time with a book when I have time to kill in the city.  Obligingly I purchase a beverage.  Not so obligingly I never use the terms ‘Grande’, ‘Venti’ and whatever other sizes they have.  This isn’t about self-righteousness as much as complete embarrassment.  I know they expect people to use their lame sizing system, but saying ’grund-deh’ makes me feel like a tool, so I stick to ’small’, ‘medium’, ‘large’.  The last time I went into a Starbucks was about two months ago, and when I asked for a ‘medium’, the guy behind the counter looked at me blankly.  I thought perhaps he didn’t hear me, so I repeated myself another four times- each time with him responding with: “a what?”.  Has the world gone insane?  Had he worked there so long that “medium” had become an alien word to him?  Was he unable to compute the corresponding Starbucks size?  Was he simply asserting that I was a tard for refusing to use Starbucks language?  Was he trying to say- “that language isn’t welcome here”?.   To his credit, I don’t believe he was being rude- I assume he was just momentarily confused by my order (although, I don’t know what’s so confusing about “medium latte please”). 

I thought I had refrained from jumping on the ‘Starbucks is evil’ bandwagon, but I can claim that no longer.   Not only does the world of Starbucks confuse me, but I can’t help coming to the conclusion that Starbucks encourages a crapload of wankerish behaviour and then some.  This blog I recently came across is written by a Starbucks barista in the States, and her stories don’t help me think otherwise (they’re amusing, you should click).  

Perhaps it is the Melburnian Coffee Snobishness speaking- but why the hell do people need such complicated coffee/tea orders?  For example, why ruin the greatness of a simple green tea, with ”soy foam” for christ’s sake, that’s absolutely disgusting.   This whole catering to the individual needs of the customer just invites stupidity and bad taste I say.  Although, I guess I should admit at this point that I’m hardly a coffee purist- I have been known to dip my toe into the world of flavoured coffees (too sweet though, rarely a good idea), and a good percentage of the time I order soy (shutup).  However, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to order a “grande, extra hot, no foam, with whip, caramel macchiato“.  Admittedly my coffee making experience is brief (but glorius), however, in my time as a bad barista (coffee making was only one of MANY my duties- I didn’t have time to hone my craft, k?) I did come to learn stuff like: a macchiato is an expresso shot with a dot of milk- am I wrong?  If I am indeed correct, why would one need to specify ‘no foam’, ask for ‘whip’ (what is whip????  I don’t even care what the answer is, no one should be allowed to ruin a perfectly good coffee with it) and caramel flavour, thus negating the whole point of ordering a macchiato in the first place?  Is a macchiato a different thing in Starbucks land too?  So confused, so many question marks in this post. 

In all, I think we should all learn from my lesson: if you live in Melbourne where there is a plethora of good coffee choices, it serves you right to experience the arsery of Starbucks-bizzaro-land if you choose to enter.  Ok good, lesson imparted (except, we all know I’ll probably go back sometime and then complain about it again.  Apparently I don’t learn from my own mistakes).  Ok, go away now (just remember to find your way back).