Dear Creepy Men,
It has recently come to my attention that you sometimes have trouble when it comes to interacting with members of the opposite sex. I believe that some minor instruction may aid your future endeavours. Here are some useful tips:
1) When approaching young women who you do not know, and who have given absolutely no indication that they desire your attention, it is not a good idea to use “So, where are you from?” as your opening line.
2) When the answer to the question above is “Here, in Melbourne”, it cannot be stressed that you should never ever respond with “Wow, your English is very good”.
3) Although this may be a surprise, not all young Asian women are in fact looking to service an unattractive, smelly man’s poor excuse for a penis.
4) Having breasts is not an invitation to be accosted by strange men. Equally, showing a small amount of cleavage does not, I repeat NOT translate as “please, please hit on me”.
5) Body language is a very important indicator of how welcome your attentions are. Please take careful note: If a young woman answers in very curt tones, turns away from you and puts her earphones back into her ears, this does not mean:
“Please keep talking to me and looking down my top.” Surprisingly, this actually means “FUCK. OFF”.
I really hope this has been an edifying experience,
Sincerely,
Leave me alone, you creepy piece of shit.
18 responses so far ↓
Emilie // June 8, 2007 at 4:29 pm |
i always thought how amazingly good your english was for one of those foreign types
Hayley // June 8, 2007 at 4:44 pm |
You’re perhaps fortunate (or unfortunate?) that I wasn’t there, for I would have responded with both extreme rudeness and physical violence, creating a scene and perhaps embarassing us both.
Stupid ridiculous racist arsehat!
Jobe // June 8, 2007 at 7:16 pm |
How odd.
I wrote a blog a little earlier (not posted yet) that was pretty much playing on points #1 and 2.
We’re very intune today, Jen Jen.
When I put mine up, people are going to think that we are blogging about each other, perhaps.
jen // June 8, 2007 at 8:27 pm |
Thanks Em, I appreciate that. You have no idea how often I wonder if my English speaking skills are good enough for the average Australian.
Hayley, I think- UNfortunate. Unbelieveably, it happened to me last month as well. I don’t get it- how do I attract so many creeps?? Do you remember the “you’re so pretty” guy who chased me into the bushes last year? In fact I have a whole list of creepy men (ask Bel, it’s true). Anyway, after so many annoying encoutners, you’d reckon I’d have a system or something- but no, I’m always bizzarely polite in the face of their grossness- wish you were there to protect me. …also, ‘arsehat’? what an odd insult.
Jobe, I told you- cosmic alignment! Although, that does make me wonder then- maybe it IS your fault I was accosted today.
Jobe // June 8, 2007 at 8:34 pm |
I can’t argue that logic.
Sorry. Won’t happen again (maybe).
Hayley // June 8, 2007 at 8:40 pm |
There’s a list of creepy men? My god. I’ve never been so happy to be invisible to the entire male gender. Although I do tend to attract crazy people, full on crazies who want to tell me all about the aliens in their underpants and how Jesus told them to always use fabric softener. Or how they ARE Jesus.
I believe the original in Americanese is “asshat”. I modified it for my own purposes.
jen // June 8, 2007 at 8:46 pm |
Jobe, I have impenetrable logic. You’ll learn.
Hayley- seriously, I have an email in which I listed them- I’ll dig it up for you and send it now. It’s amusing in retrospect.
still don’t get the insult.
Hayley // June 8, 2007 at 8:50 pm |
Does anything I do or say EVER make sense?
Freaky emails ae more than welcome. Bring on the creeps!
Jobe // June 8, 2007 at 10:02 pm |
“I have impenetrable logic. You’ll learn.”
Sounds pretty annoying.
I’m pretty fickle. You might want to tread lightly with this “impenetrable” business.
jen // June 8, 2007 at 10:10 pm |
It’s ok Jobe, I like fickle. That just means you’ll come back (grovelling is a good thing to do in that scenario).
Jobe // June 9, 2007 at 12:28 pm |
Noted.
Rose // June 9, 2007 at 12:35 pm |
Creepy Old Man (C.A.P.): Your English is pretty good.
Jen: Oh, I know.. and your audacity is even greater!
Rose // June 9, 2007 at 1:07 pm |
Sorry.. how does “creepy old man” translate into the acronym ‘c.a.p.’?
I really should get some sleep..
jen // June 9, 2007 at 3:15 pm |
Haha, Rose. I completely didn’t notice the problem with ‘C.A.P’. I know I definitely need more sleep. Day time naps in the winter are particularly nice- it’s the warm bed/cold air combination.
Also, I’ve been inspired- “your audacity is even greater’ shall now be my stock standard response.
Jobe: So subdued. I’m a little disconcerted.
Jobe // June 9, 2007 at 10:16 pm |
Don’t fret, kitten. It sounds subdued, but behind it was heaps of flames of passion and stuff (like iPods?).
jen // June 10, 2007 at 1:22 pm |
Jobe, thank goodness, I was very worried. I don’t like the timid ones.
Pluto // July 8, 2008 at 12:22 am |
When they parse you English, why not thank them. Then tell them how hard it’s been for you as transsexuals are persecuted in your home land and how you’ve been saving up for the ‘snip’.
As A guy I can say this would be about 99% effective, just be careful where you are when you say it.
Also watch out for the 1% who were actually hoping you had a cock, people like Eddie Murphy. But I’m sure they’d be so freaked out to find out you have a vagina they’d run a mile.
Also to my fellow men: Noticing a girls breasts and having a quick glance is normal. Trying to have a conversation with her cleavage is just rude.
Think how embarrassed you’d be if a girl got on her knees and started talking to your crouch in the middle of a bar. Trust me, not as cool as it sounds.
Jayne // December 29, 2008 at 9:40 am |
Jen, I know this blog is old..but you need to learn to be assertive — and even rude, if necessary. Being polite is what they count on. When you draw a line in the stand, firmly, authoritatively and keep reinforcing it, they will stop. Even the passive-aggressive putting the headphones back in your ears is an invitation for them to continue. Bear in mind, good, normal healthy guys would pick up on the social cues. These guys don’t care or notice that you don’t want them. They will keep trying because they don’[t respect boundaries so push back and let them know in no uncertain terms that their actions are not wanted. Otherwise, what’s the worst that would happen — you run away? They love the chase! You turn your back to them? They know they are annoying you and will keep blathering! You politely indulge? You are still indugling! It’s ok not to be polite to people who are not polite either. Once they have broken the social norms/rules, all bets are off. For me, I have learn to tell myself that its ok to not give a strange man my hand when he introduces himself. Like yesterday, a creepy man followed me to the bathroom in a restaurant and then waited outside. When I came out he threw his hand at me: “Hi, I’m Kevin.” If I had stopped, chatted, given my name, extended my hand, God knows what could have happened. He would have had my name. He would have established contact — and then tried to build something more into that — ie,, a date, and then somehow interpret I really want him, or how friendly I am…and then get mad when I inevitably told him I wasn’t interested. Instead, I immediately cut him off and said it was nice to meet him but I had to run, and then darted off. He looked shocked. But you rknow very well, I’m sure..how quickly this stuff escalates. When a creepy guy is given an inch, he will take a mile. So be vigilant. The moment you discern he’s a creep, all bets are off, go into self preservation mode. Save your kindness for the goodn guys. Ironically, when you block the creeps, you have more energy adn are less aggravated when you do actually run into good people…It’s amazing how a creepy experience can ruin your entire day.